my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
