Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
