if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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