shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
