I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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