census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.