I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
