I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
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We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
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Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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