I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
