i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize