Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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