Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
