Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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