But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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