I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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