If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
