I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
