apparently the secret to your success is patron
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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