Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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