I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
