Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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