You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
