Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
