were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
