Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
