Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
