On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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