SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
