I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
