it hurts more in the daytime
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
