its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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