She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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