There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
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I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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