seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
