my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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