I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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