as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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