i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
