Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
