What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
