omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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