Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
