so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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