Umm I'm too high to move.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Say something about gay babies.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
