Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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