We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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