Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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