Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
