Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
