drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
