$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
