Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize