i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
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Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
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Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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