i wish there were pregnant emoticons
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
