turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
