You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
