My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
