it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
3 2 1 whiskey
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
