Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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