woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
