He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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